there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
