Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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