I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
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