dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
