I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
