i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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