were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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