I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
