I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
