This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
