Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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