I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
