1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
