My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
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