he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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