Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
