I murdered the dance floor call the cops
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
