There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
