I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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