so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
