I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
