I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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