shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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