I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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