You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
