Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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