70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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