I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
is it fun? or sober?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
