i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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