oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
