tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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