i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
