I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
