I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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