Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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