Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
We have so much sex to catch up on
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
