i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
