After last night, I could never be a politician.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
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