I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
