We're like a lot better than the average bears
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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