just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
