OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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