i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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