New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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