Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
