maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
