Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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