Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
