Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
