you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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